What Is Masking in ADHD and Autism? Understanding the Impact and How to Unmask Safely
Because the world we live in is not always accommodating to Autistic folks and ADHDers, many of us have learned to mask who we are — to fit in with others and avoid criticism or punishment. I have ADHD, and for me, this has looked like sitting on my hands to stop fidgeting, being very careful not to interrupt people, and using infinite calendars and alarms to make sure I am never late.
Masking will look different for everyone, based on what they’ve been taught is “acceptable” behaviour.
Masking is, first and foremost, a survival strategy. When we aren’t accepted for who we are, of course it makes sense that we would do whatever is necessary to fit in. However, masking becomes damaging over time, and can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and struggling to know who we really are or what we need.
Masking is exhausting to the brain
The part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) associated with thinking, determining social behaviour, decision-making, and attention has to work in overdrive when we mask. This is because the part of the brain (temporal lobe) that intuitively registers faces and body language to help us respond to social cues is often less reactive in neurodivergent folks.
We also see that the fear-processing part of our brain (amygdala) in high-masking folks develops a strong connection to the thinking part, meaning there is often heightened anxiety associated with having to mask.
Here are a few questions to help you determine if you are masking:
When I’m around others, am I monitoring things like my voice, my body language, my tone of voice, my eye contact, my time between responses, how much I’m talking, whether I’m laughing at the right moments, whether I’m fidgeting, or the other person’s reaction to me?
Do I feel I need to behave differently around different people because I worry about being criticised?
How exhausted am I after being around people?
How to unmask in a safe way
First, reflect on what masking looks like for you. Does it resemble any of the examples above, or something different?
Then, notice:
How you behave around safe people versus those you feel less comfortable with
How you acted as a young child, before learning about social expectations
How you behave when you are alone in a safe space:
Do you stim? (I fidget with my hands)
Do you vocalise? (I like to hum)
What posture is most comfortable for you to sit or stand in? (I sit like a pretzel)
What is your face doing? (My cheeks hurt less because I smile less)
Where do your eyes go? (Mine wander)
Can you safely engage in your interests without being judged? (I can talk about rocks to myself for hours)
Once you begin to get to know what unmasking feels like — that is, what feels good, comfortable, and natural to you — you might consider making a list of what feels safe to do around others, and who it feels safe to do those things around.
Start small. Try doing the #1 safest thing around the #1 safest person you know.
If you’ve been masking your whole life, it may feel difficult at first to really notice what feels natural to you. Start slow, and keep reflecting on what feels good and what doesn’t — and in which situations you feel safe enough to unmask.
If you're curious about what unmasking might look like for you, book a session with me — we can explore it together in a way that feels safe and supportive.
