When Overfunctioning Steals Intimacy
Written by: Sheena Howard. BSc, BScN, RN, Nurse Psychotherapist
If you’re the one who keeps things running...appointments, meals, bills, emotional check ins, remembering everything...intimacy can start to feel less like connection and more like another place you’re expected to show up.
And that can be heartbreaking.
Not because you don’t care. Not because your relationship is failing. But because carrying too much for too long changes your capacity. When your nervous system is stuck in “manage, fix, hold it together,” softness doesn’t come easily. Your body is doing what it was designed to do: protect you.
The hidden cost of being “the strong one”
Overfunctioning often looks like competence on the outside. Inside, it can feel like:
• Being touched out or irritated by affection you wish you could enjoy
• Feeling numb, disconnected, or “far away” even when you’re together
• Snapping at small things because you’re already at your limit
• Wanting closeness but bracing when it’s offered
• Thinking, If I stop, everything will fall apart
For folks living with trauma histories, ADHD, burnout, depression, anxiety, or big identity shifts, this can be even more pronounced. Your brain might crave connection while your body says, “Not safe. Not now. Too much.”
That’s not a character flaw. That’s a nervous system signalling overload.
How tension builds between partners
In many relationships, one person reaches for connection when things feel off. The other pulls away because they’re depleted. Then both feel rejected.
One partner thinks, Why don’t you want me?
The other thinks, Why is this another need I can’t meet?
Over time, couples can slip into cycles of criticism, defensiveness, shutdown, or “roommate” energy...while both are quietly missing the same thing: feeling seen, safe, and understood.
How therapy helps you come back to each other
Therapy can offer a steadier space to name what’s happening without blame—and to understand the whyunderneath the pattern.
Together, we might explore:
• Capacity and nervous system stress: What your body is carrying, and how that impacts desire and closeness
• Invisible labour and resentment: What’s not being shared, spoken, or acknowledged
• Trauma aware communication: Shifting from reactivity to language that feels safer to receive
• Repair and reconnection: Small, realistic ways to rebuild intimacy that don’t require anyone to “push through”
As a nurse informed approach, we keep the whole person in view, emotional, relational, and physical wellbeing, because intimacy isn’t just about sex or romance. It’s about safety, consent, energy, and feeling like you don’t have to do it all alone.
If this is landing in your chest a little, you’re not the only one. Many couples across Ontario and Nova Scotia and Newfoundland are holding more than they were ever meant to.
